


I'm Okay

by ohshititsjay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), High School, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 11:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14976272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohshititsjay/pseuds/ohshititsjay
Summary: Connor Murphy never thought he would ever be okay. Not after failing his suicide attempt. There would be times Connor would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like those pills he forced himself to swallow were still lodged in his throat, suffocating him. His mother, Cynthia, would come in and help calm him down by wrapping her arms around him and running her fingers through his unkempt hair, like she used to do whenever he had a nightmare as a child.





	I'm Okay

Connor Murphy never thought he would ever be okay. Not after failing his suicide attempt. There would be times Connor would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like those pills he forced himself to swallow were still lodged in his throat, suffocating him. His mother, Cynthia, would come in and help calm him down by wrapping her arms around him and running her fingers through his unkempt hair, like she used to do whenever he had a nightmare as a child.

No, Connor didn't think that he would ever be okay again.

Connor wanted to try and be better. He wanted to mend his shattered relationship with his family. He wanted the closeness with his sister again, have dinner with out him and his father going to battle. But that didn't stop the dread from growing in him. The fear of messing up. Connor knew he wouldn't be able to handle seeing the disappointment in his father's eyes if he slipped up again.

When he had first gotten back from the hospital and started outpatient therapy, his parents sat him down in the living room. Zoe sat on the love seat, trying to keep away from him, while his mother sat next to him and his father in his recliner.

As a kid, Connor always saw that chair as a sign of power in his family. In a way, he still did. So when Larry sat there and looked at him, it always made him feel small.

As they sat there, words unexchanged, Connor thought that he was going to get scolded for what he did. He expected his father to yell at him, not actually have a conversation. When he looked up at his father, he didn't see the anger or disappointment in his eyes like he normally did, it was pity.

They ended up having a long conversation, with Larry apologizing about how he should have tried harder. Cynthia saying that things will be different and Zoe just sitting over there on the love seat, her expression blank.

His family wasn't perfect but this was start.

***

Connor has been home for at least a month since that talk him and his family had when he came back. His father was trying to be there for him, and his mother became stricter. Zoe didn't look at him like he was a monster anymore, just broken. Her thinking he was broken hurt more her thinking he was a monster.

His parents took his keys to his pick-up, took down his bedroom door, and removed anything Connor could use to harm himself. It was annoying, but he knew his parents were only trying to do what they thought seemed right for him at the moment. The only thing that really bothered him was that he had no privacy in his bedroom anymore, anyone could walk in and he wouldn't have a say if he just wanted to be alone or not.

Connor sighed and laid his on back on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, clearly bored out of his mind. He had just gotten back from therapy and he honestly had no idea what to do. He could probably start on another book but he knew that he soon would run out of things to read.

He would watch a movie but his parents had took his laptop when they took his door down. He wasn't really sure why but he couldn't care less.

Connor was zoned out, he didn't even notice when Zoe appeared at his doorway until she cleared her throat. He snapped his attention to her, quickly sitting up.

“What do you want?”

She sighed and came into the room. He watched as Zoe walked over to the bed and hesitantly sat down, leaving a good amount of space between the two of them. He watched as Zoe glanced around the room.

“It’s brighter in here.” She pointed out. “You finally decided to opened the curtains.”

Connor frowned at her when she avoided his question. “Zoe, what do you want?”

Zoe let out a sigh, her eyes falling into her lap. She twirled her hair with her index finger, something she does whenever she is uncomfortable. Connor was able to pick up in her nervous quirks and ticks, even if she thought he didn't.

“I thought I hated you, Connor.” Zoe closed her eyes. “But I love you and it's fucking irritating.”

Connor didn't say anything, his mouth dry. He breathed in deeply. He knew he had to let her talk. After everything he had done to her, it was only fair.

“After all you put me through, I still care about you. And I don't know why. Maybe because I still think that maybe my brother was still in there somewhere.” She dropped her hand from her hair. He watched as Zoe dug her nails into her palms.

Connor reached over and pried her nails out of her palms, seeing small beads of blood start to appear on her skin. It looked like it has happened before, maybe she did it whenever he hammered his fist against her door he screamed at her. He frowned at her but stayed silent. Zoe pulled her hands away from him.

Zoe closed her eyes as she collected her thoughts. Connor looked down at his navy blue comforter.

“So, why did you push mom and dad away?” Her voice was quiet, her eyes still closed. “Why did you push me away?”

Connor swallowed hard. “I didn't want anyone to love me, Zoe. So it’d make it easier on people once I was gone.”

Zoe scoffed at that. He looked up at his sister, seeing her clench her fists again. Connor never wanted to admit that to anyone, especially not his little sister.

“So hurting me made it okay?” Zoe asked, her voice hard.

Connor took a deep breath, trying not to let his anger take over him. That would make this whole situation worse. He didn't want to start another fight with her.

“No, Zo. It didn't make it right. I know I have fucked everything up between us. I pushed you away instead of letting you in. But it's so fucking hard for me.”

Zoe looked up at him, for the first time, he could see the pain in her eyes. Normally she was better at concealing her emotions than he was, she was vulnerable. The next thing she did shocked him.

She pulled him into a hug, holding onto him with a death grip. Connor hesitantly wrapped his arms around his sister, resting his chin on the top of her head.

They stayed like that for awhile, no words exchanged. Connor held her close to him, his arms tightening around Zoe. He wanted her to know that he loved her, that he cares. That he was sorry for everything he had ever done to her.

And right now, this was what both siblings needed.

***

When Connor finally went back to school the next semester, he had a lot of catching up to do. Zoe did bring him his homework and notes that his classmate, Alana Beck, got for him, but it all still confused him. He was lucky that he was able to get decent scores on his finals to pass his first semester classes. But they had still placed him with a tutor.

As much as Connor wanted to be better, he honestly wasn't looking forward to having to deal with people. Going to class was different, he could tune out his peers and focus on what the teacher was writing in the board, but having to sit with another student who was helping him not fail his classes was a little overwhelming for him. It was strange but that was how Connor was. He was strange.

So now he was waiting in the library for his tutor. They were supposed to meet there once their last class of the day was finished, the school library staying open for a few hours for tutoring sessions.

Connor never felt this anxious in his life. He thought Alana was going to be the one tutoring him, so he expected that the girl would be here before him. She was always one step ahead of everyone else, kinda an overachiever. When fifteen minutes passed, Connor stood up. He began to pack his stuff back into his messenger bag. He couldn't wait anymore, it was causing his nerves to bounce out of control.

He only stopped packing when he heard someone run into the room. Connor turned around, seeing the honey brunette panting slightly from wherever he just came from. He glanced down at the strip blue polo shirt and tan khakis, paling slightly at the realization.

Evan Hansen was his tutor.

The anxious kid that sits behind him in math and beside him in biology. The boy he had screamed at and shoved on the first day of their senior year, was his tutor.

Regret instantly hit Connor then and there. He felt terrible for snapping at this boy. Hansen didn't do anything to him, and he probably scared him shitless.

Evan seemed to avoid eye contact with Connor as he began to sputter out an apology about being late.

“Hansen, it's fine. Let's just get this session over with.” Connor cut the boy off.

He watched as Evan nodded his head and sat down at the table Connor had been waiting at. Connor sat back down, unpacking his bag again as Evan did the same.

The two teens sat at the table, Hansen explaining the things that Connor couldn't seem to understand. And the boy's constant stuttering and stammering wasn't helping him much. At that moment, he kinda wished he had Beck helping him instead of Evan.

It's not because Hansen was a bad kid, it's just that every time Connor looks at him, all he feels is guilt. He hated feeling like this. Deep down, Connor knew he should say something, apology to the boy, but he couldn't. Maybe it will eventually fade away and him and Hansen will go back to not talking to each other in the halls once this was over.

Hours seem to fly by as him and Hansen worked. And Connor could barely grasp on what he was trying to learn. It was to be expected since it was the first day, and certainly not going to be the last.

They both began to pack up their bags in silence, neither of them making eye contact with the other. This was more anxious than when his parents had sat him down in the living room.

“We could—we could meet up any um anytime for a—for another session whenever is convenient for—for you.” The boy stammered out.

Connor glanced over at him, sighing softly. It was obvious that the boy was on edge. Everyone in their school knows how Evan Hansen was the most anxious kid in there school. Not to even mention how Connor and their whole eleventh grade English class witnessed the boy have a panic attack because he had to present a presentation.

“We could meet up at my place tomorrow after my therapy appointment.” He suggested.

Connor watched as Evan took a moment to process this before slowly nodding. “Yeah that—that will work.”

They both walked out of the library and out of the building. Before they parted ways, Connor gave the boy his number and ended up sending his own phone message so he had Evan’s. Connor handed Hansen his phone back, seeing how he nervously took it and slid it into his pocket.

They awkwardly said their goodbyes before leaving.

***

Connor had his good days, along with his bad ones. He was still getting used to his new  medication his therapist had prescribed him. They were working, and he was glad that they were. But sometimes he still had those moments where he couldn't breath and that everything that he was trying to fix was going to be snatched out of his hands.

He didn't understand half of the emotions that were swirling around inside of him. It was suffocating at times. Connor wanted to feel normal but his emotions kept making him doubt that that was ever going to happen.

But all in all, everything seemed fine. Him and Zoe were talking again. It was still awkward and they weren't that close yet, but it was a start. It gave him some hope that maybe their relationship wasn't too broken to fix. His father was trying to get into the things he liked. Connor ended up letting Larry borrow one of his books and he was surprised to see his dad staying up late reading. It made him happy that his dad would come up to him and ask him questions about the book.  Cynthia was the same, but she was stricter than before. She was caring and loving but she was the one making the punishments if one of them acted up.

All of these changes felt strange to Connor, but he liked it. He liked having his family actually being a family. No they weren't perfect, but they were mending.

When Connor had mentioned all of this to his therapist, she seemed genuinely happy for him. She would then ask if he had tried making any friends at his school and he would then start talking about Evan.

The two have been working together for a month and it wasn't a surprise that they would have bonded. Connor knew things about Evan that no one else knew and vice versa.

The thought of Hansen always left this warmth inside of him. Like he belonged and was wanted. Talking about Evan would always bring a smile onto his face and he wasn't sure why but he didn't want it to go away.

Connor knew that his friend had severe social anxiety, he kinda figured since the kid seemed like he was scared of his own shadow. And he picked up on the fact that Hansen had depression too, even if the boy was better at hiding it than he himself was. Connor had found out that Evan had a crush on his sister, but he put that together immediately after he read the boy's letter on the first day.

They still never spoke about what had happened on that day, and Connor was glad that it was never brought up. He still felt bad about what he had done but it seemed like it didn't affect his friendship with the honey brunette.

Once Connor's therapy session ended for the day, he went home. He wasn't shocked when he walked into his bedroom to see Evan sitting on his bed doing homework. Connor just smirked at the shorter male and sat down next to him.

“What’cha doing?” He asked, glancing at the screen of Evan’s laptop.

Evan didn't look away from his computer, his finger working fast on the keyboard. “I'm working on—working on a essay for—for English.”

Connor gave a small nod at that. “How much did you get done?”

“Eight—eight pages.”

Connor shook his head. He didn't know how Evan could write so much. He sighed and took the laptop away from the boy. “I think you can take a break then.”

The boy glanced over at Connor, giving him a sheepish look. “Sorry.”

Connor chuckled a little. “It's fine. You want to watch a movie?’

Evan offered a small smile at that. “Yeah that—that um would be nice.”

Connor then put on Netflix on Evan's laptop and the two picked a movie. They both laid next to each other on Connor's small twin bed, Evan's laptop resting on his stomach. Normally, Connor would hate being this close to a person, but this left that warm feeling in his stomach. It felt right, and he liked it.

It was about half way into the movie when Hansen fell asleep. His head rested in the crook of Connor's neck. At this point, the Murphy couldn't focus on the movie anymore. All he could think about is the hot breath on his skin and how Evan’s arm was draped across his chest.

He glanced down at the boy, seeing how Evan's lips were parted just a little and a slight blush on his cheeks. For once, Evan looked relaxed. It was probably the only time when the anxious teen was fully at ease. Connor liked it, he could get used to seeing Evan look so peaceful.

Connor moved the laptop off of his stomach, trying his best not to wake the other up as he placed it on the floor next to the bed. When he finished, Evan curled up against him and wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist, mumbling in his sleep.

His breath hitched in his throat, his cheeks burning. That was cutest thing he has ever seen.

Connor could feel his heart pound against his chest as realization struck him. He liked Evan. Connor closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. As that realization sunk in, he knew it was true. He liked the way Evan smiled and how his eyes would light up when he talked about trees. How he loved spending time with the kid for the past month. He liked ever quirk and tick Evan had. He enjoyed having Evan curled up against him.

Fuck, he loved Evan.

And that scared him. The boy had a crush on his sister, so he never had a chance in the first place. But he was just happy to have this boy with him right now, even if he would never be his.

***

Another month seemed to pass far too quickly for Connor. His feelings for Evan continued to grow and it started to feel like they were suffocating him. Like he was drowning and he needed Evan to pull him out from his sea of emotions that kept pulling him in deeper and deeper, filling his lungs and choking him.

When Connor confessed this to his sister, Zoe ended up consoling him. Telling him that he should tell Evan. Knowing Connor and his luck, that would push the other away.

Evan Hansen was his happiness. His lifeline, even though Connor didn't want him to be. This was not what Connor had wanted, yet, he was too selfish to let it go.

And the warmth in his chest began to blossom as said boy stood next to him. They and their classmates were waiting for their school bus to pull up since they were going to Ellison Park as a field trip so they could collect specimens for their biology class.

Each student had a partner and Connor ended up with Evan. He was glad and disappointed. He honestly didn't want to deal with his feeling  all day.

Once the bus finally arrived, everyone loaded up onto the bus and they took off. His peers immediately started chatting but him and Evan didn't say a word. Connor knew Evan hated riding the bus, with his anxiety and all, so he just held out his hand for the smaller boy to squeeze.

It was about a twenty minute ride to the park. When they got off the bus, their teacher pulled out a box and everyone grabbed the supplies that they needed before wandering off. Connor and Evan walked off, trying to get further away from the rest of the teens that were screaming and chasing each other with insects they had found on the ground.

“I don't understand why they are so fucking scared of bugs. I mean, they are harmless.” Connor said dryly as him and Evan got to work.

“Actually, not all—not all insects are harmless.” Evan glanced over at Connor who rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean.” He mumbled closing the container after catching a ladybug.

Evan laughed softly, making Connor's expression soften. They continued to work, making small talk as they did so. Since the two of them started hanging out, talking to each other have been easier.

After a while, everyone was called back for a lunch break. Evan and Connor walked up to the bus with everyone else. Everyone retrieved their lunches and scattered around to sit with their friends. Connor led Evan back to where they were, away from everyone's eyes.

He knew that Evan wasn't comfortable with eating lunch with their classmates. He respected that, Connor hated it too.

They sat down on the ground and pulled out their lunches from their bags. Connor held back his laughter.

“You still eat lunchables, Hansen?” Connor smirked, clearly amused.

Evan's face turned a light shade of red. “Shut up.” The boy mumbled, opening the box.

Connor snickered and began to eat his own lunch, which was just a turkey sandwich and a apple that his mom made for him.

A minute of silence passed between the two. Connor glanced over at Evan, seeing how the boy glanced over at the forest that wasn't that far from where they sat. He could see the discomfort on Hansen’s face, which concerned Connor. He was used to seeing how anxious Evan would get, but this felt different.

Connor took a deep breath and placed his food back into the brown paper bag before taking Evan’s hand in his, giving it a light squeeze. Said boy jumped slightly and glanced down at their hands before meeting Connor's eyes.

“You know, if you're not comfortable sitting here we can move.” Connor suggested, which in return earned him with Evan shaking his head.

“No, no it's uh it's fine. I'm fine. We can stay—we can stay here.”

Connor frowned slightly, knowing that he was definitely not fine. He sighed and looked away as he squeezed Evan's hand again to try and help the other relax. “I know you're not fine, Ev. You don't have to talk about it right now, but you know you can tell me anything.”

In the corner of his eye, he saw the honey brunette nod his his head. He felt Evan squeeze his hand back. He looked over at the other, giving him a small smile.

Only then did he realize how close they were, their shoulders brushing, lightly, against each others. Connor drew his bottom lip in between his teeth. He was afraid that Evan could hear his heart pound against his chest.

Connor could have sworn he saw Evan's eyes flicker down to his lips, but he knew that was wishful thinking. Evan liked Zoe, not him. He didn't have much time to dwell on the thought before he felt a pair of soft lips against his chapped ones.

It felt like time has stood still as Evan kissed him. Connor felt like he was flying. He has only been wanting this for months, he never actually thought that it would happen. He brought a hand up to cup Evan's cheek as they pulled away.

“Evan Hansen, are you wearing cherry chapstick?” Connor asked, the familiar taste still on his lips.

Evan smiled sheepishly at that. “Maybe.”

Connor laughed softly, pulling the other into a quick kiss. “It suits you.” He pressed his forehead against Evan's.

Connor closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. He felt tears well up in his eyes. Not because he was upset, but because he was happy. He was so fucking happy.

“Are you—are you okay?” He heard Evan ask softly, Connor nodded.

For the first time in months, Connor felt like everything was going to be okay. There will be days that he felt like he is drowning, he accepted that. But being here with Evan, and trying to fix everything that he had destroyed...it made him believe that he was going to be okay.

For the first time in forever, Connor had hope. And he wasn't going to give it up any time soon.

_“I'm okay.”_

 

 _❝ Iᴛ ɪꜱ ʙʏ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀʙʏꜱꜱ_  
_Tʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ʀᴇᴄᴏᴠᴇʀ_  
_Tʜᴇ ᴛʀᴇᴀꜱᴜʀᴇꜱ ᴏғ ʟɪғᴇ._  
_Wʜᴇʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴛᴜᴍʙʟᴇ,_  
_Tʜᴇʀᴇ ʟɪᴇꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛʀᴇᴀꜱᴜʀᴇ. ❞_

_~ Jᴏꜱᴇᴘʜ Cᴀᴍᴘʙᴇʟʟ_

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on:
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> Dear Evan Hansen Amino: ∂үιηg ιηsι∂ε (copy and paste this username)
> 
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> 
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> 
> Twitter: ThatMusicalN3rd


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